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Stresses pros and cons [24 Apr 2007|11:19am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | busy ]

I had an official had a revelation.

Stress

Since we went on our trip to Charleston SC I have really not been taking the best of care of myself. Eating almost everything in sight, not counting my calories and not exercising. I thought that it would have taken a toll on my body. The only thing that I have noticed is that I have felt a slight bit sluggish. I should have gained weight but I stepped on the scale this morning whilst packing just for shits and giggles and to my surprise I have actually lost weight. Wow what stress does to a persons body. I have been under a huge amount of it over the last 2 months and it has only increased the past several weeks and is climaxing as I type this.

Even with my bad eating habits I have been able to lose the weight. Although I am both surprised and excited about the loss I know it is not the way to lose it. When we get settled into our new life I know that I will yet again have my work cut out for me. Getting back on track with eating right and starting a regular routine of walking and other fun movement.

For right now I feel as though I do not have much control over what I put into my mouth because of how I feel. Yes, everything that I have learned about being an emotional eater has been shoved to the back burner. I have not forgotten it by any stretch of the imagination but it is not a #1 priority either.

I will get where I need to be when I am done stressing over this huge, giant move. Just give me 6 weeks till all the dust has settled.

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Whaaaa! [01 Mar 2007|08:03am]

bouncerbutch
I had my first A1C test in three months on Tuesday. My last test revealed some not so great results at the time. I knew that they would. It's funny how one knows the results of a blood test even before it has been tested. Coming out of surgery I knew that I had not been very good to myself and my body and I expected bad results. You know the old saying "Garbage in, Garbage out." That is exactly what I was doing while sitting around during surgery leave...putting crap into my body. I could expect nothing less than to have garbage come out....oh that did not sound right lol. Anyway I am very positive about this test. After 3 full weeks of eating right counting calories and watching what I have been putting into my body I am pretty excited about what they will reveal. While getting my tests done I also got a weigh in. I don't trust my weigh scale all that much it seems to have a little mind of it's own but I know that the doctors offices is awesome. My results.......drum roll please........I am 4 pounds away from my lightest last summer. I am so thrilled with these results. I can't even tell you how much this means to me. It is a nice number to see on the scale.

Last summer youngwoman6703 and I went shopping and I bought a pair of work pants in a size 22. They fit me then not great but good enough. I tried them on after my surgery and it was a no go. Major muffin top going on and I did not like it one bit. Yesterday I pulled the same pair of pants out of my closet and put them on.....to my surprise they were to big. Needed a belt, and I tied that belt as tight as could possibly get it. It was such a great feeling to have them too big. I think that I will be in the size 22 jeans that I bought almost 2 weeks ago before I know it.

I have also been cooking a whole lot more. Trying new things has just been awesome! Last night I made my first stir fry dish over whole wheat pasta. It was awesome. Thanks again to youngwoman6703 for her tips on how she makes it. It was very yummy and satisfying. I can't wait to make it again.

Because this is not my regular journal and I can't filter these posts.....or I chose not too, I have to be very careful as to what I say......but one thing I know for sure.....(only people on my regular journal will get this) when the dust has settled we plan on buying a small apartment size deep freezer. I have wanted one for a long time now and it would be such a benefit to this life style change. We both love chicken and fish etc.......when stuff goes on sale at the grocery store I can only buy so much of it because I don't have any place to put it. Our freezer that it attached to our refrigerator is so darn small. I would love to be able to cook meals on my days off and put them in a freezer so that all I have to do it microwave them and eat. It would be such a huge bonus for us both when we can do this, and I am very excited about it.

I have so many ideas and plans but it does kinda suck when you are limited to certain things and can't always do what you want too.

Great things to look forward to in the future.

Still need to get on a regular exercise routine though.
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Whaaaa! [01 Mar 2007|08:03am]

bouncerbutch
I had my first A1C test in three months on Tuesday. My last test revealed some not so great results at the time. I knew that they would. It's funny how one knows the results of a blood test even before it has been tested. Coming out of surgery I knew that I had not been very good to myself and my body and I expected bad results. You know the old saying "Garbage in, Garbage out." That is exactly what I was doing while sitting around during surgery leave...putting crap into my body. I could expect nothing less than to have garbage come out....oh that did not sound right lol. Anyway I am very positive about this test. After 3 full weeks of eating right counting calories and watching what I have been putting into my body I am pretty excited about what they will reveal. While getting my tests done I also got a weigh in. I don't trust my weigh scale all that much it seems to have a little mind of it's own but I know that the doctors offices is awesome. My results.......drum roll please........I am 4 pounds away from my lightest last summer. I am so thrilled with these results. I can't even tell you how much this means to me. It is a nice number to see on the scale.

Last summer youngwoman6703 and I went shopping and I bought a pair of work pants in a size 22. They fit me then not great but good enough. I tried them on after my surgery and it was a no go. Major muffin top going on and I did not like it one bit. Yesterday I pulled the same pair of pants out of my closet and put them on.....to my surprise they were to big. Needed a belt, and I tied that belt as tight as could possibly get it. It was such a great feeling to have them too big. I think that i will be in the size 22 jeans that I bought almost 2 weeks ago before I know it.

I have also been cooking a whole lot more. Trying new things has just been awesome! Last night I made my first stir fry dish over whole wheat pasta. It was awesome. Thanks again to youngwoman6703 for her tips on how she makes it. It was very yummy and satisfying. I can't wait to make it again.

Because this is not my regular journal and I can't filter these posts.....or I chose not too, I have to be very careful as to what I say......but one thing I know for sure.....(only people on my regular journal will get this) when the dust has settled we plan on buying a small apartment size deep freezer. I have wanted one for a long time now and it would be such a benefit to this life style change. We both love chicken and fish etc.......when stuff goes on sale at the grocery store I can only buy so much of it because I don't have any place to put it. Our freezer that it attached to our refrigerator is so darn small. I would love to be able to cook meals on my days off and put them in a freezer so that all I have to do it microwave them and eat. It would be such a huge bonus for us both when we can do this, and I am very excited about it.

I have so many ideas and plans but it does kinda suck when you are limited to certain things and can't always do what you want too.

Great things to look forward to in the future.

Still need to get on a regular exercise routine though.
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2 weeks in review [25 Feb 2007|09:59am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | accomplished ]

I do believe that the last time that I posted was at the end of week 1 in this new journey. A whole lot has happened since then and I am certain that I did not post a review for week 2. So here it is.

The numbers for both weeks combined.

Total weight loss=9 lbs
Total BMI loss=1.3
Combined Calorie allowance=29743
Actual calorie intake for 2 weeks=21811
This is 73% of my actual allowed calories for the 2 weeks.
Current BMI=43.7
19.7 BMI still to lose.
126.5 lbs still to lose to reach goal.
New calorie allowance=2072
Down 118 calories from when I started.

I am very happy with my current weight loss. It has made me feel good about what I am doing and I love that I just feel good about me. It is a far greater feeling now that I know this was all because of my efforts.
I have been keeping track to the calorie and I now understand what is important in my food intake. The foods that I was eating before may not have consisted of a whole lot of food but just the wrong food all together. I have not purchased lunch from any fast food restaurant in 3 weeks now and it's nice to know that I have been able to stay away from them.
A few things that I have noticed over the passed 2 weeks.
I was under a great amount of stress and pressure, more so last week than the week prior and all though I am sure it is not good for me to not eat when I feel stressed I know that what I did eat was still good for my body. Once again I now what it is like to be an emotional eater and this is not something that I want to do. I have done that ALL my life. Every time something negative happened I would turn to food for the answer and well I have realized that because it does not speak back in return it really does not have the answer at all. Along with the extra added stresses that I have felt, I was also clearly aware of my childhood and teen years. Going down memory lane was not my intent, but with the issues that I was dealing with my mind was just volunteered to go there. I honestly did not have that much of a choice in the matter. It was good though because I think that I have figured out where most of my emotions have come from. Growing up I was never popular, never pretty enough, never smart enough, never on the inside of the in crowd and constantly picked on by my peers. Not to mention the hurtful things that were said to me in my teen years by someone I was supposed to trust and look up to did not help. I think that I now know where to turn to when I have emotions so strong that they make me want to do something stupid. I know that I have to turn to my inner self for the strength I know that I have. Turning all of these negative feelings into a driving force to accomplish my goals that I have set forth for myself. Last night I had an amazing conversation with my mother. One that brought tears and soothed away some of my childhood pain that I never let go of. Things were said by my parents when I was growing up that were hurtful to an adolescent teen. Bringing these things to my mothers attention was probably one of the best things that I could have done. It brought everything out and of course I never expected my mother to remember the things that she said for they were not said to be hurtful or mean, but rather in her way to help in her own way. I have realized that I have so much anger and hurt inside of me from growing up that it is now just coming to the surface. Hearing my mother say that she is sorry for those things that she said was awesome. Now I can continue down this road with a little clearer mind set. I am determined to never let my passed get in the way of my future as hard as this will be I know that it can be done.
I have to tackle each thing one by one head on. I never knew that this much realization would come from counting calories and to hear my parents say that they are proud of me has made this that much better. I know I am rambling, and I hope this makes sense as you read it. It's like my brain is in overdrive and thinking faster than I can actually type.
I have gotten myself on a very good eating routine which has been awesome. I am still falling into the late night eating habit because that is what I have been used to for so long with my work schedule but at least I am running for something light and good rather than something bad. Still I need to get away from this habit. Something to work on.
Last Sunday I bought a new pair of jeans in size 22. I can get them on and zipper them up, but I have major 'Muffin top' going on and I don't like that at all. Actually I am just not 'White Trash' so that style does not work for me. Anyway.......it is my inspiration pants. At the same time I purchased a size 24 that is a little better fitting, but I think that they will be to big before I know it. I have not worn them yet and I hope that I don't have to. I really just want to return them and get my money back for them. Both pairs are still in the bag in my car.
I am sending La Rae on a mission. He has been supportive of my 'project' and has not yet complained about eating the god stuff. So I decided to see how dedicated he was to my journey. This morning I told him that he had to go shopping for me by himself. I want him to pick out an outfit that he likes and would want to see me wear, but the catch is that he has to buy it in a size 16! OMG fitting into a 16 is like a dream for me right now, but one that I know I can obtain. Anyway he was excited about the idea and is going to go shopping for something he likes. I am excited for that because I know that even though this journey is my journey and I am doing it primarily for myself, part of me is also doing this for him. For his love, affection, encouragement and for our sex life. (not that our sex life is bad) I want him to be proud of me in every way possible! So yes this is partially for him too.

Anyway.......Here I am rambling about all of this. I have a lot to be thankful for and a whole road ahead of me still. I am so ready to tackle this....one week at a time!

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The Urge! [17 Feb 2007|07:59am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | bitchy ]

The urge to eat has been very strong the last couple of days. Work has been very stressful the last couple of days and honestly it would be so damn easy to just grab cookies and eat a whole bunch of them. I have not given into that temptation but it is so strong. I guess that this was just normal behavior in the past. Feel like crap, eat. Feel depressed, eat. Feel run down, eat. Feel stressed, eat! It is amazing that for every emotion I have felt I almost always have the urge to eat and it is not the good stuff that I want. It is always the bad stuff, full of fat, high in calories and simply not good for me at all. The urge is not like an "OMG! I need to eat that now!" sort urge , but a nagging urge. One that is just a constant presence. It's like having the angel and devil sit on your shoulder one saying "eat it, eat it, you know you want it, you know it would taste so much better than that rabbit food...." and than there is the a little angel sitting on the other shoulder saying "nooooo don't eat it, it's not good for you, it will only make you feel worse, grab a healthy snack!" Oh I hate it especially when the two of them bicker back and forth and I get stuck in the middle! Ha No I am not going mad but it is like a battle of the pros and cons with these two, and the little angle always wins leaving the little devil pouting. No, no I am not going mad and I don't actually hear the voices of these two in my head, but it is kinda like a battle and it stinks. Actually passing up the urge to attack the cookies has been a huge task but I have managed to do just that. I weighed myself yesterday morning and that is kinda what is keeping me from going for the bad stuff...that and I know that I may not be able to stay with in my calorie count on Sunday since La Rae and I are going to Red Lobster for his birthday. I know that I will be going a little over my allowed calories. I will still try to remain within range though but since it is a special dinner I am not going to be so strict on myself.
So that is it............

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Week 1 Review [12 Feb 2007|10:59am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | accomplished ]

Week 1 results
Weight loss=8.5lbs (which I can only assume is mainly water weight but whatever I'll take it)
Weekly Calorie allowance=15330
Actual weekly calorie intake=11633
This works out to be 76% of my allowed calorie intake.
Start BMI=46.2
Week end BMI=45
BMI loss=1.2

New calorie intake allowance=2135 Down 55 calories from start of first week.

Wow I am very happy with my results after one week. Even though I screwed up on the first day I picked myself back up and continued on. I am so very glad that I did not just give up after my first major fall. Thanks you youngwoman6703 and kittycat22 for your encouragement. IT honestly was the biggest help to get me to today. I know that I can do this and I know it is right for me. I was surprised how relatively easy it was after the first day. On Monday I took and extra long lunch and ran over to Wal-mart to pick up some low calorie snacks for my lunch that I have taken to work every day. (pats self on back for the accomplishment) I actually was very surprised that I was able to satisfy my cravings with much healthier choices. I still have all of the 'junk' food in my house and I have yet to actually miss it. It is right there at my finger tips and I am so happy that I have had the will power to just leave it alone and grab something else to eat. I am starting to feel what it is like to eat because I need to and not because I want to. It is such a horrible trap to fall into. 'I'm bored so therefore I will eat' has now been replaced with making icons or reading. It is nice to feel hungry and satisfy the hunger and not over eat because it is there. I am very proud of myself for this past week. It was a huge step in the right direction. There is one thing that I need to start doing and that is exercise. I must start some kind of routine with this. I used to walk almost everyday last time I did the whole healthy eating thing. I either need to do this again or find some other way to get my exercise in.

Things that I have purchased that I LOVE.
Mini Delights by Quaker. They come in three different flavors Cinnamon Streusle, Chocolate Drizzle and Buttered Popcorn. Have not tried the Buttered Popcorn yet but the other two. OMG they are so good and one pack has 90 calories in it and is just enough to satisfy my sweet tooth.
Soya Crisps also by Quaker. Come in two different flavors BBQ and White Cheddar. I have tried both but I love the BBQ for a serving it is 110 calories and again give me the salty satisfaction.
Salad spritzers by Wish Bone. I always used to drown my salad in dressing and then when I realized that for a serving of ranch dressing I am consuming 80 calories. I was putting 3 servings on my salad. Salas Spritzers are 1 calorie per spray and I use between 10 and 15 sprays on an average salad. The best alternative to regular dressings. I love this stuff!

I have also looked for nice dinner alternatives. I cooked my first fish dinner. Weeeeeee...It was yummy too. I think we will be eating a lot more fish in the future. Low calories high protein. Very excited about my new found cooking alternatives.

This whole first week has been like a treasure hunt. Trying to find the right kind of food and making a choice between the stuff that I want and what the things my body needs. It has been fun to say the least.

On Saturday La Rae and I went over to his sisters house for a family get-together. She can cook and cook she did. 2 different kinds of pasta salad, Sloppy Joe's, shrimp, sweet and sour chicken, cheese cake, spinach dip and so much more. I knew going there was going to be a hard calorie count but I managed to eat in small portions. I got two plates while there but both times I took small amounts of each thing. When I cam home I tried the best I could to calculate the approx calorie intake that I may have consumed and I either came in just at my allowance or a little above. I walked away from the day feeling good. I did not over do things which I would have done in the past and I paced myself. Even though I did not have a single healthy food I know that I did not fail myself either. I just watched very closely when I ate something.

All in all a very good week. I am happy with how it went. Except for the pictures that I took with my great Nephew who is 6 months old. I look like a fat heifer and I am not to happy with that, but my hope is to not look like that. I think that this is one of my biggest hurdles to hop over. Pictures! I don't like how I look in them.

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1st day blues [05 Feb 2007|11:16am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | cold ]

Yesterday marks my first day on a reduced calorie intake diet. Ha! What was I thinking? According to my BMI, Height etc.....my preferred calorie intake should be 2190. When I got right down to it and started to count what I was putting into my mouth I was horribly depressed with the amount of food intake that I was allowed.

Yesterdays menu

1 bowl of Weight control Oatmeal
2 cups of coffee with milk

1 cereal bar

Two slices of whole wheat bread
2 slices of chicken breast
2 slices of cooper sharp cheese
1 teaspoon of ranch dressing

1 Southwest Taco salad from Wendy's

Lots of water throughout the day.

This pretty much took all of my allowed calories. By the end of the day I had 160 calories left and nothing in the house that matched the calorie intake that I was allowed.

Frustrated with the small amount of food I was allowed to eat I went and had some Girl Scout Peanut Butter cookies. Yup I caved. First day and I already screwed up. Screwing up aside I still felt like I may have accomplished something. Even if just the knowledge of what certain food contain calorie wise.

I certainly need to get on line a search for foods that will satisfy the cravings and make me feel satisfied. I spoke with youngwoman6703 on the phone earlier and she gave me some great ideas. Popcorn and jello are great low calorie foods. Must make a run to the grocery store to pick a few things up.

On top of all of this I have found my weak hour. At night seems to be the worst. I am so used to coming home and eating dinner after work that my body was craving food at about 10pm last night, even though I had that nice big salad from Wendy's.
I know that eating that late is not good for you but with my work schedule it seems like this is the only time that I can actually sit and have a dinner in peace and quiet. I think that if I need to eat that late it had better be cereal or something or a smaller snack sort of thing.

This is so different from last time. Last time I just ate things that I knew where healthier for me. I picked more fresh veggies and made my own chicken and tuna salads. It seemed to work and I am not sure why I have chosen this route this time but we shall see how I fare with this.

Time to go and get some breakfast.

2 comments|post comment

It's Time [03 Feb 2007|11:37pm]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | depressed ]

It has been almost a year since I was told that I have type 2 diabetes. For the first several months I did very well. Watched what I ate, did my daily exercises and was very happy with my progress. In September I had surgery on my wrist and that through my way off. Not being able to exercise by order of the doctor and having full access to the cupboards and fridge was totally chaotic. I suppose that this should not be a total excuse, but it is mine. I gained much of the 35lbs that I had lost prior to surgery all back. Sitting around the apartment watching to much tv will do that to a person I suppose. My last check up and blood work came back just alright. I do have my work cut out for me. I need to get back to routine that I had before surgery. Back at the beginning of the new year I made a promise that I would, but always found some sort of reason not too get back on the wagon. However I am feeling very depressed with the way things have been turning in the last month or so. Having a major fight with my significant other did not help matters any. I feel unhealthy, look unhealthy and have a general dislike of myself at the moment. Depression is a huge motivator and a curse. I am more drawn to the junk food because I feel depressed. I am tired and just blah most of the time and I hate looking in the mirror and hating the way that I look. It has become very hard for me to imagine anyone loving me for me and not what is on the outside because I feel as though that is what people see first. This depression is most definitely a motivator as well. Feeling like this makes me want to change everything around. Make things better, make them right again. I had so much more energy before. I rarely felt exhausted like I have been in the last several months. I notice the difference. So tonight I got out a notebook and wrote all of my current information in it. BMI, Weight, Height etc. and my all of my ideals. BMI, Weight etc. I am going to count my calories to see what I consume and cut back to the recommended calorie intake according to my current information. I am also going to get back into the exercise routine starting in the morning. I need to and want too. It's no longer going to be oh I will do it next week or next month. I must do it now and so I am going too. I want to be attractive on the outside as well as on the inside and right now neither are very appealing to me. In fact they are scaring me.

So this is the start to climbing back on the wagon. All I ask is for support. I can't be accountable to just myself that will not work. I need discipline and encouragement to make this work.

Starting over.

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In My Food? [09 Aug 2006|08:45am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | irritated ]

I don't know about anyone else but this article made me think twice about what I put in my mouth. I suppose that I could eventually get over it but for right now......uh I don' think so.

In MY Food?!?!?!

What makes me more upset about this article is the simple fact that it is not a well known fact that these additives are placed in our foods. It makes for eating healthier a little harder when you know that coloring and added artificial flavors could be just as harmful to ones body as the usual fat, calorie, carb, and sugar in the stuff that we already try to avoid.

It makes me ask the question WHY? Is it really a necessity to have this stuff added to our food? In my opinion I would rather eat my yogurt just as natural as it can be, or any other food for that matter. Personally I would prefer that they take all that crap out and make the prices cheeper. *disgusted*

Anyway not how I wanted to start my day.

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The walk [09 Jul 2006|08:33am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | blah ]

I am still having some issues with the whole toning up my body and gaining muscle weight versus losing more fat weight. I wish that my plateau would start slopping back down again. I have no issues with dropping pant sizes but it is still a little discouraging to see that only one pound has fallen off. Currently I have dropped down to a 22 pant size. 4 pant sizes if you count them single sizes or 2 if they are split double. I am finding that even a single sized 22 is a little lose after wearing it for a day or so. Don't get me wrong it's not that I am complaining, but the end results of this is a little discouraging. Especially when I know that muscle weighs more than fat.

I couple of months back I purchased 2 pairs of Jessica Simpson Jeans from my store. Both on clearance both in a size 20. They are supposed to be my inspiration pants, and I hope to fit into both of them by the fall. I know it sounds extreme, and I hope that I am not setting myself up for a fall. We shall see.

This past Thursday, I walked to work. Yup I finally did it. A total of 6.7 miles. I was pretty happy with myself. I certainly could not have done that even 3 months ago. (look out Dan and Amanda I am catching up to your standards with my walking/hiking skills) It feels good to know that I am capable of this kind of distance. It took me just under 2 hours. Not the best time but whatever I did it and that is all that counts.

I hope to have La Rae take some more pictures of me so I can post the very first ones that I took, and the 'new' ones. Just so that I can see the difference. Maybe than I will actually be a little happier with my accomplishments thus far.

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Bras and Weight loss [30 Jun 2006|08:34am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | crushed ]

Okay so we all know that when you lose the weight you tend to lose in the last place that you put it on. Ha! I do believe that this is way off. For I have not gained weight in the 'sisters' and the sisters are getting smaller. I went bra shopping yesterday and walked out of Lane Bryant seriously depressed for when I got fitted I went from a C cup down to a B 1/2 cup. WTF!! Yes apparently this is true. So I have a few problems with this.

1. Just because I am a 'BIG GIRL', does not mean that I am big chested girl. So in other words make a bra that is going to fit the odd, uneven, unmatched and unperportioned (<---new word) girl. I need and want to find a cute girly girl bra. Something with support and cute all at the same time. Apparently the men who design these bras are on crack and probably womanless for they have no clue what the hell they are doing.

2. I hate the fact that along with losing weight in other areas of my body, I am losing my chest too. I hates this part. Why!?!?!?! I don't wanna lose the little that I have! Damn it sucks.

Alas I will continue to lose the weight and try my best to drop another pant/bra size!

Speaking of which....can someone please take a second to explain this to me......How is it that I have not dropped another ounce in the past 2 weeks, but I have dropped a pant size????? Not that I am complaining that I now must buy a smaller size, but I wanna lose more weight too. I am so confused and I hate confusion! It is simply is not good for my brain. It puts it into overdrive and well quite frankly it does not help me lose any more weight.

*sigh* Why must this whole thing be so difficult. I needs a hug!

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Yawn Yawn Yawn...... [23 Jun 2006|08:04am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | irritated ]

I have found that I need to be more consistant with my routine. Not so much with the activities that I do while I am awakje, but more so in reference to my sleep. I open today at work and I have no ambition to get up and go because I was up late last night chatting with a friend on the phone. What I realy need to do is set a better bed time for myself. Walking and regular activity is great, but if my body is screaming for sleep because I did do my exercise in the morning than I should be getting to bed at a decent hour. I felt wonderful after my walk.......which by the way I added yet another block to my route......but I should have gone to bed at 10:30 or so instead of 1 in the morning. Now as a result I did not get up when I wanted to and have lessened my chances of a good long, brisk walk. It kinda makes me angry that my time is limited now. So the next thing is to get myself on a good sleep schedule as well.

On my walk yesterday my added block took me right past my doctors office. I stopped in to inquire about the use of the weigh scale there. Mine is a piece of scrap metal and it is my own fault for it now working right. I moved it every time I wanted to use it. Anyway they gave me permission to use the scale in the doctors office every 2 weeks so that I can keep better track of my progress. So I hoped on to the scale to find that I have not lost any more weight, but I have maintained the weight that I lost. I need to lose another 5 lbs so I can buy season 3 of Sex and The City on DVD, and a little more than a month before I go back for my 3 month blood work. My little goal to meet my big goal is 7 lbs before my next appointment in August.

Now I have about 20 minutes of free time to go and have a 15 min. walk.

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My Heart feels like this at times. [22 Jun 2006|09:55am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | contemplative ]

First thing I see when I log on to the net this morning is a story headlineing my AOL home page. Katherine from AI has been struggling with an eating disorder for a good portion of her life. To read the story on Kat go HERE. After reading her struggles and day to day recovery, I can honestly say that I can identify with her in more ways than one. I have not only thought about throwing up the food that I have eaten, but I have succeeded in doing so. What has helped me from going down the road to full blown bulemia is the simple fact that I hate to throw up and could not continue with it. That is not to say that I still do not think along these lines. I know that it is certainly not the best way to lose the weight and in knowing this, Katherine has no idea how she has inspired mne to lose weight the right way. Every day seems to be a struggle but in the end I know that the results are right for I have sone it right. I suppose one could say that I identify with Kat in the complete opposite way.
As I continue doing what is right I will continue to remind myself that I am not the only one with these issues. Way to go Kat for getting help! Thanks for the inspiration:)

Now it is off for my walk:)

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I want...... [21 Jun 2006|11:32am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | chipper ]

I went for my second walk today and added on a block to my route. It took me the same amount of time the second time around even with the extra block added. It is all good. I think I may go and buy an MP3 player do that I can listen to music while I walk. Listening to birds is nice and all, but like I need a change in my walking route, I think I need a change in sounds too. we shall see. Maybe it will have to be a reward to myself when I reach a certain lb loss.

I think getting back on the wagon will be a little easier than I thought it would be and I am very excited about more weight loss. Even though I maintained my previous weight loss, I would certainly like to lose more. I have not been back to the doctors for a check up for about a month and a half now so maybe I have lost a little more than I think. I do know that I have lost enough to move down a pant size in a pair of capris that I purchased 2 weeks ago. So yup it is back on the wagon for me.

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Sweating like a pig:-P [19 Jun 2006|10:36am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | accomplished ]

I feel so good right now. I decided last night while in bed that I was going to go for a walk this morning. In the past I have had the same exact thaught but never ever did anything about it. I would get up and then be like "I don't wanna go out, I would rather sit at the computer and play" and than I would do just that. Well I have conquered the 'I don't wanna' and went. It was not long, but it was a good brisk walkk out in the heat and humidity. About a mile long. I do feel good though despite the sweat. I might jinx myself by saying what I am going to say next but here goes.........I want to try and do this every day!!!!!!!

Now I am off to shower and get ready for work:)

I feel renewed!

Since it has been forever and a day since I posted in the community that I made just for this type of thing. I figured that this entry would be the best thing to kick start getting back on the wagon.

Yes I did fall off the wagon. Not proud of it but I can at least see my faults and work towards fixing them.

Here's to getting back on the wagon!

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[08 Mar 2006|07:59am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | content ]

I thought that my scale was telling me that I had gained a pound back last week, but when I went to the doctors I also requested a weigh in. To my complete surprise, the scale told me that I had lost 2 pounds, and not gained 1. I was in complete shock, and I think that was a boost in and of it's self. I was shocked. Complete and total amazement. How could my scale at home be so wrong?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't imagine that theirs would be, being a doctors office and all. So I have decided that I am going to only use my scale at home as a guide, but use the one at my doctors office as the real McCoy. I trust it more! So...........that makes 23 pounds lost. I was actually thinking of asking my doctors office if I could come in once every 2 weeks or so just to use the scale there just to keep track. We shall see. As for my sickly self...I am currently on 3 different meds and an inhaler. I hope to be all better in the next few days. Have I mentioned before that I hate being sick?!?!? It truely does suck!

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When it rains it pours. [05 Mar 2006|08:23am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | sick ]

I just wanted to extend my thanks to those of you who kept me in your thoughts last week. It is nice to know that I have people in my life that care so much, and your sympathies are greatly appreciated, and helped me get through the rough spots. I am certainly not where I want to be with my sadness, but I suppose that I should give myself time. I think that it will take a lot longer than I was originally thought.

I have spoken to my mother everyday since last Sunday. I think that she is feeling sort of lonely with my dad gone. It has been good to talk with her though. My relationship has really grown since I have gotten married and live on my own. I can't help but bitch and complain, not about her, but about the distance between us. I hate the fact that at times like this I can't just hop in the car and go to be with my family. I am really starting to feel the distance. LaRae has offered to pay for a flight home over a long weekend, but realisticly it will not work. Especially now that I must have a passport to cross the border (Canadian green card holders anyway) *note to self......go to NYC Canadian Embassy to get passport renewed....and make a day trip out of it.....youngwoman6703 are you up for a 'fruitful' trip to NYC with me??????* Bottom line is I would like to be closer to my family but at the same time I don't want to pull LaRae to far from his. I think right smack dab in the middle would be great for me! My dad comes home tomorrow, and I would love to be there when he does.

To top off an emotional roller coaster of a week, I woke up on Friday morning with a scratchy throat......uhoh....here we go. I just got finished telling my mom on Thursday that we were almost through the winter and I still had not gotten sick. I spoke way to soon. It felt like a Mack Truck slammed right into my upper torso. My chest hurts, my head is all clogged up, and I freakin ache all over. I think that I may make an appointment with the Doc. tomorrow depending on how I feel when I get done work this evening. I have no intentions of letting this move into my chest and becoming full blown bronchitis. Yuck! I thought that by eating healthy and putting good foods into my body, plus vitamins etc....I would fly through the season scott free. I spoke way to soon. My mom blames my immune system 'crash' on the whirlwind of emotions that I have been having over the last week. I am not sure if she is right but it does make some logical sense. Speaking of my eating and 'life change', I did go to the doctors last monday for my 6 week check up, and to my surprise I had lost a total of 21.5lbs. Whoa GO ME!!! The downside to that....being off from work for four days and being under the stresses that I was, I ate way to much of the right foods, and gained a pound back. *cries* A minor set back. I just need to get back on track. I did however treat myself, like I said I would, with the Second Season of Sex and the City on DVD. I have raised the pound loss for the next season though. I have to lose 15 lbs to get season 3. I do believe that I have my work cut out for me. It is going to take a little longer this time around, especially now that I have this nasty ass cold, and already feel too drained to excercise. That does suck.....especially since I can't freakin breathe as it is! I hope this does not last too long. I want to get back INTO IT!!!!!!!!

Now I must go to work so that I can infect more people and not feel alone with my infected self. Wish I could stay home, but not possible this time around. *sighs and coughs at the same time*

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Slip & Fall [23 Feb 2006|11:12pm]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | disappointed ]

Life style changes are not the easiest to do, and even though I have been feeling like I have everything under control, it was apparent in my behavior this evening, that I do not have everything under control. Over the past couple of days I have been stressing over a visit from our Regional manager at work. As usual I took the visit as a negative thing instead of looking at it as an opportunity to grow in the knowledge of my job. It has always been a tough thing for me to handle when it is announced that we have someone coming from Corp or a huge 'boss' visiting our store. What did I do today when I came home from work?!?!? First thing I went for was the munchies. Granted I do not have any of the regular 'junk' food in the house, but there is such a thing a moderation in regards to anything that you consume. Not me, I sat and ate a half a bag of Chex Mix. Yup I am capable of doing this. Please don't be surprised. I found that even after I ate a half a bag, I still had no satisfaction so I left the 'food' thing alone for a little while.


Then my father called to inform me that my grandmother had just under went surgery to amputate her right leg, and that things went okay but she was not doing well. This threw me into a whirl of emotions, and ultimately my first response was to hit the food. What do I do?!?!? I go straight for the microwave dinners. It's like I have trained my brain to do this. Now that I sit here typing this I am kicking myself for this behavior, yet at the same time I did not even think twice about it at the time. It was not apparent to me until after the fact. This frustrates me. There is no need for it, and aside from being mad at myself for making these choices, I feel guilty. To top it all off, for the first time I feel fat. Never in my life have I aver had a real problem with who I was/am, and all of a sudden I have this overwhelming sense of disgust. I know that I am going to fall from time to time, but I hate the fact that I am having a hard time 'forgiving' myself for making the mistake.

The old saying goes like this.....When you fall off get back on and try try again

Monday I go for my 6 week check up, and I am excited to see where I stand with my weight lose. I have been weighing in at home, but I trust the scale in the office more than my own, so, we shall see. I just hope that my stupid mistake/decision did not unravel what I have already done.

*kicks self*

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Achievement #1 [22 Feb 2006|07:41am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | accomplished ]

I can hardly believe that it has already been over a month since I have started my life style change, and it has been good. Reaching my first 10 pounds has certainly not been easy, but I think it certainly has been well worth it. I have recieved my first reward along with the warm fuzzy feeling of achieving a goal that seemed so unreachable. I now have my very own First Season of Sex and the City on DVD, which was part of the agreement for my first 10lbs. LaRae bought that for me and set it on my pillow the other night. How sweet:)

The other day while I was at work a woman came to the counter and after a few comments and questions it came to talk that I was in the process of losing weight and taking on a whole life style change. To my surprise the woman I was chatting with is in the same boat as myself. The only difference is that she has been on her own journey for 2 years now. I learned a few things, and the most important of all is that even though it is very important for me to watch my calorie, fat, and sugar intake, it is probably far more important for me to watch my Carbohydrate intake as well. I never thought about this to a great extent. I figured, fat in fat stay, but carbs turn to sugar and than to fat, which is what I am trying to avoid. So now when I walk down the aisles at a grocery store I am looking at the carb intake in certain foods as well, and I am surprised at what is highly saturated in carbs, and honestly the things that I thought were okay for me to consume are frankly not as good as I thought. I still need to go to my Diabetic teaching classes to find out how much of certain things I can actually consume, but I am assuming that 20g of carbs in a serving of yougurt is not helping my 'sugar' intake at all. During the conversation she suggested picking up a Glucose meter so that I can teast my own blodd sugars to determine my sugar intake. I found out that instead of paying 80-100 dollars for one, I can get one for free through my insurance company. Hip Hip Horray:) No out of pocket expenses:) I also found out that my insurance company pays up to $150.00 of a gym membership and so this is one more thing that I am looking into. Learning so muich about myself has really been an eye opener and I am learning more every day.

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'Suzie Home Maker' [15 Feb 2006|01:24am]

bouncerbutch
[ mood | accomplished ]

In my quest to find new ways to cut out the fat in my diet I kinda went back to my roots. My mother is a fabulous cook. Not the kind of cook who needs to look at recipes all the time. In fact she very rarely uses them and if she does she is always changing the original to fit her satisfactions. A little more of this a little less of that sort of thing. If you were to ever ask her for the recipe for something, her most common response was "I don't know. I just kind of put things in until it tastes right". I guess you could say that as I was growing up she was the best teacher for cooking. I, too, have a similar behavior when it comes to cooking. Not so much in the baking department. I need a recipe for baked goods, but when I cook, I cook.

For four weeks now I have been in the kitchen, not every day of course, but as much as my tiny kitchen will allow. I thought I would share, with you, a few things that I have cooked to help decrease my fat consumption.

Chicken Salad (homemade)Collapse )


I found a great substitute for the sweet tooth cravings. Quaker makes a great rice cake and Multi Grain Cake. I have currently tried Cinnamon Toast and Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip. Both low fat, light and satisfying.

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